We are all a type of stereotype!

I am not keen on stereotypes, I don’t like pigeon holing people, but I am not so up my own arse that I can’t see the funny side of these comparisons. I do chuckle at the ‘tongue and cheek’ way that some of these generalisations are made.

I have read quite a few articles describing the sort of mums you are likely to come across at the school gates, well it triggered me to write this piece… so enjoy! But read to the end… there’s a bigger point to make!

THE SPORTY MUM – she’s the mum that runs three miles to school with her children in an all-terrain three wheeled buggy complete with a buggy board, two little children under the age of four enjoying the speedy jog as their svelte and trim mother completes the final uphill jog to school without even breaking a sweat!

Putting us all to shame, she can still hold a full-on conversation with you about her vegan scrambled ‘eggs’ made with AQUAFABA (yes I had to google it too) without panting out of her arse. She’s always in lycra, she is a firm size 8 and has an ass to bloody die for. She has that ass that you sneakily and enviously watch bouncing back down the hill after the drop off which leaves you contemplating for a nanosecond if it makes you a lesbian because you desperately want to touch it!

THE CHAV MUM – The young, brash and slightly loutish mum in the pink crushed velvet diamante studded tracksuit, earrings that Pat Butcher would half inch given the opportunity. When she bends over to pick up the toddler that goes by the name of Britney, you get a sneak peak of the tramp stamp tattooed along the base of her back neatly scripted with ‘Steve’, she talks with a pretend Essex twang, every word with ‘A’ sound in, is vocally extended like ‘baaaaaaaabe’

THE PTA MUM – This mum is the eternally positive twin set wearing avid promoter, attempting to bring parents closer to improve educational facilities by raising funds for what seems like ‘CONSTANTLY’… literally constantly. She is the mum that’s always waving raffle tickets in your face and begging you for home made cakes. The intention and resilience are commended. They have bribery skills that leave ISIS looking meek. Using your children’s education as a way to entice and persuade you into the school hall to give up the only free time you have got for the next four weeks to help out on the f**king tombola!

THE CBA (can’t be arsed) MUM – Totally opposite to ‘PTA’ mum. She is the one that rocks up in her pyjamas and dressing gown with a messy but stylish ‘mum bun’. She arrives as the school bell rings not a minute before or after, talking to Jimmy Junior about remembering his school jumper whilst puffing on a Lambert and Butler, stamps out the half-smoked ciggy with her unicorn slippers, dropping off her five kids at the office because she’s too lazy (and late) to drop them at the corresponding classes.

THE PERSONALISED PLATE 4WD MUM – She’s a little bit up her own arse, wears designer sunglasses all year around, models her designer handbag as she struts through the gates like she’s auditioning for ‘Britain’s Top Model’, draped in faux fur and always; always, in 4-inch heels! She ONLY speaks to other ‘personalised plate’ mums with the same appreciation for self-branding. She stands proud, stands tall and doesn’t make eye contact with anyone other than ‘personalised plate’ mum and her children that would have names similar to Clementine or Rupert. She double kisses them on the cheek and royally waves churah!. Casually sauntering back to the double parked 4WD whilst checking how many ‘likes’ were received on this morning’s Facebook selfie!!

THE 9-5 MUM – Now this mum is illusive, she is rarely seen, some think she’s nocturnal like a badger, she arrives at school before sun rise dropping her child at the ‘before school club’, she collects at the cusp of darkness from the ‘after school club’. She often appears on the School Facebook page as the serial ‘LIKER’ liking all the comments on the news feed. She’s the list writing mum, the briefcase mum, the power dresser, the mum that despite having a hugely busy and demanding diary, still manages to keep up with all the homework, non-uniform days, ‘dress up like a pirate’ days and school trips. She is organized to military precision, moves quickly and doesn’t have time for small talk. Don’t underestimate this mum.

THEN THERE IS ME.

I am unashamedly a fair old mix of all of the above….

I do have a girl crush on anyone that has that SQUAT ass. I would have appeared on the Jeremy Kyle episode of:

WHO FARTED IN THE DOCTORS SURGERY AND BLAMED THE BABY LIE DETECTOR.

I don’t have the tramp stamp on my lower back but my dad is called Steve and I have 12 tattoos.

I help when I can at the school, sprinkling glitter, making cakes and painting faces on the sticky cherubs of our school in an attempt to make myself feel like a ‘better person’.

I am not rich enough for a personalised plate on my pretend 4WD which looks and drives more like a Ford Galaxy, so I have mug with my name on…. I go by the name of  ‘THE QUEEN OF F**KING EVERYTHING’ in my house.

I am self-proclaimed novice at the duck pout, but never the less I do often partake in selfies and snapchat filters and I can confirm I look better as a rabbit!

I don’t work a 9-5, but I do work, I work my ass off, and when I can actually be bothered I totally rock the power house dressing, minus the heels! I’m like a drunk pig when I am wearing heels and most Mondays I wake up with that ‘Can’t be arsed’ feeling, after arguing with all of the children about itchy knickers, soggy cereal and un-brushed teeth.

I’m frequently caught out by time because I have had to quickly do reading and spellings before school because I forgot on Sunday, which has then led to me having to walk to school with my tits uncradled and totally commando because I haven’t had enough time for a shower let alone dress properly.

I don’t vape and I don’t smoke but I have been known to demolish a packet of chocolate hobnobs and neck a quick shot of home distilled blackberry vodka for my breakfast.

Stereotypes are a quick judgement made in jest, so I say laugh hard, but don’t laugh so hard that you forget to laugh at yourself, because we are all a little bit stereotypical sometimes!

Recipe of a happy life

Do you feel lost? Have you lost perspective?

This is my guide, I’ve wrote 10 elements I believe should be applied to everyone’s lives to allow clarity and direction.

1. TRAVEL THE WORLD We are all blessed to live on earth. It’s enormous and we are a dot in this huge world. See as much of it as you possibly can. Climb mountains, walk in the oceans, and eat weird shit, meet new people and soak up cultures. Don’t stay stagnant!

2. TREAT YOURSELF Every month, buy an item of clothing or a book! Buy that luxury bar of chocolate and gift it yourself, whatever it is make sure you know you that you bought it for you because your worth it and you deserve it. All too often we forget to allow ourselves treats.

3. REVIEW YOUR TRAJECTORY Close your eyes and where do you see yourself in 10 years. Properly submerge your mind and think hard about the path you are following and where will that take you in 10 years if you keep walking it. The great things about paths is they can change their course of direction so if you don’t like the path your following you can change it. Our lives are passing through time so quickly, constantly colliding and the dynamics continue to change. “Change,” isn’t a bad thing when we learn to accept it and embrace it, change can make the rest of our lives better. Review your trajectory with an open mind.

4. DO FUN SHIT! Do fun things, run, jump, hop skip and jump in puddles. Don’t become so uptight that you loose the inner child and become so self aware that you forget to have fun. Fun is a critical component to this recipe.

5. HAVE ALONE TIME Time of solace is so important. Being alone allows time to reflect and reflection is necessary. Time spent with the ocean is in my opinion one of the most powerfully refreshing and aligning exercises ever. To be stood at the oceans edge and look out to sea. Respect it’s power, understand it’s mass, it gives you perspective. Breath in and out deeply, and listen to the ocean it will clear your senses and refresh your mind.

6. SELF LOVE Every day when you look at your reflection. Don’t apply hate to your curves, take that moment to love them. You are you, and you are your own sort of perfect and that includes the freckles, curves and untamed hair. If you can’t look at yourself and ‘like’ what you see, how can you expect others to like you and how will you live a life that’s truly content and happy when your self hating the one thing that encapsulates everything that makes your life possible!

7. BE HEALTHY This is simple but it’s not easy. This takes planning and often willpower. If you eat shit you’ll feel shit! Eat well, feel great. Fast food, wine and take aways are indeed delicious but feed your busy body the fruits and vegetable of the earth, liken this activity to fuelling your car, you wouldn’t put petrol in a diesel car! Why, because it won’t work properly and it’s the same reasons why being healthy will on benefit your life and body.

8. FIND AND SURROUND YOURSELF WITH LIKEMINDED PEOPLE. Surrounding yourself with people that uplift you and inspire you. Likeminded people create positivity and optimism. Don’t allow the ‘drains’ that suck you in to a spiral of pessimism and negativity be prominent in your lives.

9. DON’T PROCRASTINATE Procrastination is the biggest time waster, and when you begin to look at your life like an hourglass and the sand is representing of your lifespan, you’ll stop procrastinating!

10. LAUGH EVERYDAY laughing releases endorphins that are good for your soul, to live a life without laughter you may as well of never lived at all. Find things that make you happy, do them and laugh out loud. Laugh at yourself, laugh with your friends, laugh so hard that tears of laughter fall down your legs. Don’t be so serious about everything in life that you become a boring old fart!

I hope you took something from this, apply this and live the life you deserve.

Girls girls girls ….

October the 11th is International Day of the Girl and with three daughters of my own, I only need to look into their eyes and it’s not difficult for me to relate, envisage or empathise with the less privileged girls of the world.

Girls in conflict zones are at risk, high risk! They are 90% more likely to be deprived of schooling and subjected to many forms of abuse, all of which compromise a promising future and above all a happy life.

In areas of war and conflict it’s obvious that violence increases, but what’s not so obvious is that girls; are, and will be subjected to sexual and physical violence on a daily basis.

Child Marriage is a huge ongoing issue. 1 in 3 girls are married off to MEN before they are 18, and 1 in 7 as early as 15! The statistics are terrifying. I look at my daughters and I feel so blessed and privileged to be able to offer them a LIFE, if you allow your mind to wander there, allow it wander to the war zones and imagine for a few seconds the torrent of abuse these girls have to put up with in order to survive.

Surviving war and conflict has put them in situations equal of the risk they are running from.

It’s child exploitation. It’s child abuse, and it’s happening now to young girls all over the world.

Days like today are not just about awareness, its also about helping the girls that have slipped through the system… fell through the cracks and been let down time and time again.

Here are some links that raise awareness and money to help all these girls that are at risk ….

https://www.malala.org/

https://www.careinternational.org.uk/dec-emergency-appeal-Myanmar

https://shesthefirst.org/

http://invisiblegirlproject.org/

Use this hashtag #DayOfTheGirl to raise the vibe for all the tribes fighting against evil and the heinous monstrous acts of evil around the world.

#DayOfTheGirl

Wonderpants? Wonder Why?

Did I do the obligatory ‘national stand in front of the door’ photo … NO… Nope and NO…

Do you want to know why?

Well I don’t like conforming and if I’m honest I didn’t get their hair cut so frankly they look a little rough around the edges … Toby is actually almost rocking a ‘Liam Gallagher’ style without his swag… Toby has his own ‘swag’ but it’s juvenile and Bambi like as he is still trying to navigate his own personal space as his arms and legs have grown but is body is slightly disproportionate while it catches up with the growth spurt!

If I’m honest after six weeks of summer it’s a struggle to get four kids up, dressed, preened and fed without having to round them up in line by the front door and to smile and say cheese. I salute all that manage it, because I, openly and honestly still flit between ‘Super Mum’ or ‘wondermum’ sticking to the current theme, and ‘Wondermum’ is super organised with a military check list and a regimental routine to ‘wonder what the fuck I’m doing mum’!

I stroll into school this morning feeling nervous for my three little soldiers, I’m sad to be three down from my Cavalry. I’m sweaty, I suffer from obvious facial sweating which I put down to my hormones crying. Im a little frantic and pulling at my ‘wonderfit‘ jeans, they are supposed to make me look slim and basically FIT to my curvaceous doughy mummy figure, I didn’t think I’d need a f*cking belt!!

Well ‘WONDERfully‘ they start offering my ‘builders butt’ to all the other mums looking at me and still wondering who the hell I am …

Im still the newbie in a new town in a new county, I’m still the new mum that no one knows. I’m still that mum that smiles widely and says hello and gets the half smile and the odd nod back…

Tell me? Is connecting with new people like tasting new foods?? You got try it twelve times before you know if you like it or not?? … just a thought!!!

My kids are still the new kids BUT at least the kids have that kid like mentality that welcomes new faces.

Kids smile at new friends.

Kids say ‘HI! what’s your name?’

Kids say ‘hey I like your pencil can I have it?’

Kids say ‘Do you wanna play?’

….or they stick out their tongue and say ‘you smell go away’ …

It’s called communication, it’s grounds to strike up a conversation and be given a chance to convince the other kids you don’t smell, and that you just didn’t wash that morning, that you can share your new snazzy pencil, and proudly tell them your name is Kelly and yes you do want to play!

Why, as adults does it become alien to do this… I conclude that adults are weird … adults are reserved and wary, adults have forgotten their inner child.

My three kids embark on another year at school in years 6,5, and 2. In their new school where friendships are still fragile and they look back at you with that ‘deer in the headlights’ glare.. but I am confident they will come home having made new friends, I am confident a child somewhere would have reached out and helped relieve the nerves and took them under their wing.

I will pick them up this afternoon with a belt in my ‘wonderfit‘ jeans to prevent any more unwelcomed nudity in case that’s the reason behind the ‘odd nods’ and I will continue to smile and say hello loud and proud, because that’s me, that’s who I am.

I’m a shameless mum of four that swears and eats cake, and occasionally pees her pants when on a trampoline or in a fit of laughter. I’m a confident woman in her own skin with stretch marks and a big ass, with a big heart to match.

I don’t need friends, but do I want some ?? Hell yeah… we can never have enough friends right? I’ve also not forgotten what it’s like to be new somewhere, I’ve not forgotten my INNERCHILD!

Wherever you are, it would be good to remember that a friendly ‘Hello’ could mean the world to someone. It could be a new friend, or a lost soul, a fragile human looking for kindness OR it could be your child starting their new class with their new friends.

My mantra has always been, and will always be ‘treat others how you want to be treated’ I don’t think you can go far wrong with that attitude to life.

Have a great day everyone – If you can be anything in life, be kind.

Share and make the world a kinder place.

#BeBoldForChange International Womens Day 8th March 2017

Reflecting through the eras women’s equality has surpassed expectation if we think back to how bad it was in the 1900’s, the first march was in 1908 when 15,000 women marched through New York for shorter hours, better pay and EVEN a right to vote!  I think many of today’s younger generation may even feel that the ‘battles have been won’ while many of the bra burning, tampon slaying feminists still feel there is a way to go towards gaining ultimate gender parity.

Women are fighting back, we have the stiletto wearing boss babes walking into boardrooms across the nation and without the need of ‘nipslip’ or a  ‘FF cleavage’ in your face they are slowly being recognised for their worth ethic and intelligence, they are being listened to and slowly their voices are being heard,  WE ARE standing our own ground in many work places, in sports, and most importantly in society!

Currently in the UK some of the the most powerful heads belong to women, The Queen, Teresa May our Prime Minister, and of course we have Mary Berry …..because the world is a better (slightly fatter) place because of cake!

We do now have females being propelled into space with their ‘Always Ultra’ doubled up for maximum protection whilst fighting aliens on mars, women can work AND have a family (if they can afford the astronomical childcare) but generally women have real choices now. So I say…. be proud and loud and flash your tits in the street for there is a recognisable change in today’s society with how women are judged and how they are perceived. Embrace the positive changes that have happened, celebrate the women that helped women stand together with other women since 1908, however don’t loose sight of the end goal…. Total gender parity!

Its going to be bumpy road ahead with the likes of Donald Trump and Janusz Korwin-Mikke, the EU Parliament member spouting off from the mouth with out a filter or gag-ball attached, his stupidity had me beating my chest like ape, screaming profanities at the television when he said women must earn less than men because they are “weaker, shorter and less intelligent”he later claimed  “I never said that the women should earn less, I only said that because they are shorter, they are weaker, they are less intelligent, they are less aggressive and so on and so on they earn less. By the way shorter men earn less than the tall men.” So god help all the male dwarf bankers out there, if our polish friend Jan had his way your in for a pay cut to match your height!

I thought maybe … just, maybe it was a translation thing but he was then asked if women are less intelligent than men, and he said: “Yes of course.”

I literally SPAT at the television and thought its a sad sad day if his thoughts are mirrored by even one other person. The blokes been married three times and has eight children, am I a little presumptuous in thinking his inability to maintain a happy marriage has a lot to do with his derogatory perspective towards women, or maybe he married short girls that couldn’t complete the Polish Weekly Sudoku puzzle?

What with Trump making comments like “You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” proving yet again his narrow mindness and his values are shallow and superficial!

And that is coming from MEN in POWER in 2017!!

There is never such debate and uproar on International Mens Day on the 19th November! Yeah they have a day too… equality right!!! It highlights the importance of men’s and boy’s health, improving gender relations, promoting gender equality, and highlighting positive male role models in today’s society. Its also a day where we celebrate their achievements large and small. Applauding facial hair growth efforts as we watch all the teenage pubescent boys and men around us TRY and grow porn star style mustaches for ‘Movember’

 

I’m a 5’4″ woman that recognises that we have come a long way, but I can also see  that GLOBALLY there is still a long way to go!  IWD is an official holiday in many countries including Afghanistan, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Burkina Faso, Cambodia, China (for women only), Cuba, Georgia, Guinea-Bissau, Eritrea, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Laos, Madagascar (for women only), Moldova, Mongolia, Montenegro, Nepal (for women only), Russia, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uganda, Ukraine, Uzbekistan, Vietnam and Zambia. NOW I wont turn my nose up should they want to give us all a bank holiday for it…

Whatever happens and no matter how many Trumps or Janusz there are, there is nothing more empowering than women that empower women. So shake your tits in the face of adversity and raise a pint of wine to every single female out there. Slap on the War-Paint, Equality awaits us…. its not that far away! #BeBoldForChange

 

 

International Women’s Day

Today is March the 8th, it’s a Tuesday and it’s been a brisk March day full of pandemonium!

I generally love a reason to ‘big up’ women from all over the world, not just because I’m an amazing sassy and damn right great woman but because I really do believe we are the stronger sex! Hahahaha I hear the men **cough** and utter the word **BITCH** under their breath. Please don’t misinterpret me, for I am not a man hater and I am not anti men, I was one of the lucky ones and married one of lifes greats! (He has to be pretty awesome to put up with me!) but ‘wholeheartedly’ I have a lot of love out there for men, your all great at peeing on toilet seats, your all amazing at growing belly fluff from nothing and it’s quite clever that you can fart the Eastenders theme tune without shitting your pants. Most of you work really bloody hard and a fair chunk of you make bloody amazing fathers and role models to our mini armies coming up through the ranks! (lets face it, we all know that it’s the minority that give the majority a bad name in everything in life) You men rock too in your own quirky ways BUT this day ain’t for you so get in line and wait your turn and lets get back to the facts….

There is a sad truth that lurks behind  International Women’s Day  , the day was created to respect and appreciate all women for their social, cultural, economic and political achievements! To raise awareness of equality and pledge to make a  change. It causes me deep frustration that in 2016 whilst we have come so far from even just ten years ago we still have so far to go as a nation, and we still have to have days like today to raise awareness for gender parity.

Shocking figures released in 2015 by The World Economic Forum estimates it will take 117 years to achieve global gender parity in the workplace! That’s 117 years of letting talented, driven, intelligent women slip through the net, surely every nation has the opportunity to utilise the talents of women for the benefit of all? If there is a talent and if someone can offer something great to society, should it matter if SHE IS FEMALE?

It saddens me that as a mother of three daughters they will grow up in a society where we still fall short at equality. Research has proved that women in the workplace being an active part of an integral gender balanced environment produce better and more successful outcomes of prosperity. So why wait 117 years to make a change…. ACT NOW! Make a pledge today!

I am a woman, I am intelligent, self-driven, determined and focused. I am a woman. I am proud but not too proud where I wouldn’t except help from a man or woman. I am kind and think of others, both men and women alike, but I am a woman. I am a mother and a wife and I have a voice that has been given to me to speak freely in a world where we should be equal. I am a woman and much more than just a label in today’s society. I am proud of all that I am and more.I will teach my children to speak and be heard, fear nothing, believe in yourself and fight against adversity.

I am also a woman with a whole load of stretch marks, I have given birth to seven children and my vagina is nothing like what it used to be but I am OK with that! I am a woman that likes cake and I am a little bit heavier than I should be but I still choose to eat the cake. I wear big pants, sing out of tune and dance like a twat. I drink beer from the bottle and wine through a straw. I only shave under my arms if I really have too and don’t get me started on the ‘loose tobacco’. I pick my feet and I park badly, but not at the same time. I swear a lot, I swear a lot all of the time and I really do try not to but I always end up saying ‘fuck it, life’s too short so just eat the fucking cake’. I care more than I should about people that don’t deserve it, I wear my heart on my sleeve and what you see is what you get, I don’t take life too seriously and I love my friends and family to infinity and beyond. I’ll protect them like a lioness would protect her cubs, so upset them and I will fuck you up! I am still a woman. ACT NOW! Make a pledge today!

For all women, every woman, all types of women, for women everywhere, shaved or unshaved, fat or skinny, degree, honors or under-graduate, lower, middle or upper class. Make a pledge today!