Great fun mum shit!

I am THAT mum that looks at other mums doing great fun shit with their kids, and then wants to be THAT mum, but today I was reminded why I don’t do ‘great fun mum shit!’

Smiley has been asking to ride her rollerskates further than the fringes of our estate for weeks and ‘E’ has been asking to ride her bike without her ‘tablerisers’ on, for equally the same time.

What with lockdown 3.0 and the fact I actually fucking caught COVID (which I may well write another blog about while I sit here with no smell or taste weeks after the initial infection and wake every morning with a phenomenal headache and stiffer than … my husbands ‘morning wood’! Covid is no joke!) The long and short of it is: even with all the time I have had, there just hasn’t been the time.

Wheels at the ready, today’s the day. I am all mumsy, snacked up and back-packed up. Owning #mumlife but not owning #doglife because before we have even left the estate, I have trod on the dogs about three times, they are not used to being on a lead so they spend most of their time tripping me up and circling my legs which either ends with me on my arse or them trod on and yelping, very loudly! Cavapoos are notorious wimps!

Smiley is just about managing to stay up on the newly tarmacked road and I am actually quite impressed. Its not graceful by any means and if it wasn’t for the skates, she kind of looks like she’s doing a REALLY … really really bad attempt of the ‘watch me Whip, watch me Nae Nae’ dance and just like that the song lyrics are embedded firmly into my in my head and I am now mum rapping to ‘Now watch me whip, Now watch me nae nae, Now watch me whip, whip, Watch me nae nae’ … and there are plenty of whips and high-pitched squeals from Smiley to keep me fully entertained.

Meanwhile ‘E’ has got off her bike, the bike she soooo wanted to ride which is still intact with ‘tablerisers’ and she is now walking next to it like it’s a little pony being led down and out of the estate. “It goes too fast downhill” she says looking quite deflated. I introduce her to this miraculous mechanism … called a brake! She gets back on, multi coloured helmet, with her name wrote in a black sharpie across the back, mustard suede biker jacket, black and white striped summer dress, unicorn leggings, Santa socks and black paignton school shoes. Yep. She looks like someone has thrown her up. After a collision with a wall, she continues to walk her bike like a fucking pony.

Smileys on a roll, literally, yelling “watch me, watch me,” to which I immediately yell back with “Do the stanky leg (stank) Do the stanky leg (stank stank), I laugh at myself and my immaturity, she turns and glares a medusa style stare at me and promptly lands impressively hard on her arse. I can’t help but laugh and carry on with my song “Now, break your legs (break em) Break your legs (break em), doing my ‘coolest mum rapper’ impression. She cries and I feel instantly bad so I do what I hope every mother does and uses sugary bribes as my leverage to keep her moving in the right direction.

Fuelled with sugar, they both appear to have sped up a little… until the hill of doom. ‘E’ is off the bike refusing to go any further without me pushing her, Smiley is in full bafta mode.

Dragging one child behind me, whilst pushing one in front of me we begin the climb…

The dogs are shaking in fear of their lives being abruptly ended by rollerskates or the pony-bike, both of which are being propelled forward in short bursts of high speed with every push and pull I give. But… it appears my frustration gets the better of me and I push a little too hard and in completely the wrong place. When I say wrong place, I mean, I literally pushed the poor child full pelt, Marvel super hero style, off her bike. She flew. Took off almost. If it wasn’t such a pathetic accident it would be labelled as abuse. She wails, holding her elbow for dramatic effect “I hate my bike so much, this is the worsest day ever”

Not sure we will do that again. My ‘great fun mum shit’ ended with me familarising the defeated duo to ‘Silento’, and dancing in the kitchen to ‘Watch me (whip / Nae Nae)’ on Alexa and eating sugar and E numbers…

Guess we can all be great at something: but we aren’t great at everything.

Get your ‘Nae Nae on here‘