There will be some things in life that will happen to you and these things will be life changing, a moment in time that will irrevocably change your life forever and things will never be the same again. ‘YOU’ won’t ever be the same after the event.
For example, marriage changed me – I went from single to married, from ‘I’ to ‘US’, from uncoupled to coupled.
The birth of my children changed me – I went from carefree, careless, prodigal, reckless, pint drinking, tit flashing female with ultimate bladder control and a svelte size 10. To a nurturing, caring, selfless, sensible, gin drinking, spaniels’ ear, flashing woman who wets herself when she laughs and wobbles when she walks.
The death of my children changed me – I went from nurturing, caring, selfless, sensible, gin drinking, spaniels’ ear, flashing woman who wets herself when she laughs and wobbles when she walks. To a bitter, resentful, jealous, heartbroken, soulless shell of a mother who cries her self to sleep every night wishing things could be different.
From my experience not all life changing things are sad, not all life changing things are bad. Some are great, some are momentous. Some will teach you valuable lessons whilst some will make you and some ‘you’ll think’ will break you.
The death of my twins was 13 years ago, 13 years ago my life changed. I changed.
One thing about grief, which in itself can change you as a person, is that the grieved often feel like they need to be sad and bereft forever, because not being sad is like accepting your ‘over it’ which of course you never will be but in reality, as time passes it becomes easier to deal with but for the grieved this element is the hardest to deal with. For years I didn’t want the pain to leave, for years I tortured myself because I wanted to feel the heartbreak, because being present in grief allowed me to feel closer to them.
When it becomes easier, are we forgetting? Are we disrespecting their memory, for at least being sad and feeling pained and grief stricken in some way confirms our love for the people who have gone?
One of my all-time favorite quotes is Time moves slowly but passes quickly, and how f**king torturously true is that!
This September I have seen my eldest daughter start high school, in my head she’s still 2. I applied for my son’s high school place, my middle daughter became a junior, and not only did my baby start pre-school but I also had to apply for her primary school place! I’m barely accepting of the fact she is going to preschool let alone very soon will become a full-time reception student when to me she is still a ‘babe in arms. My baby. The baby of the Harris Family.
I combine these milestones with one of grief as I think of the two little boys born thirteen years ago on the 4th and 5th of September. The two little boys that established the Harris Family. The two little boys that changed me forever, probably for the better! The two little boys that taught me how to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. The two little boys that taught me that, to love, will also mean to hurt more than you’d ever imagine possible. The two little boys that taught me the true and exact meaning of unconditional love…
I haven’t forgotten them and I never ever will, but it is OK to OK with loosing someone.
I was born on the 13th, and I think numbers have a funny representation in your life for various spiritual reasons. 13 years old they would have been this year and becoming a teenager is such a life changing moment in itself, for the parent to embark on a new challenging journey of parenting a hormonal teenager and for the child, to morph into a know it all, cheeky gobshite pushing boundaries and the limits of even the most patient of people as a daily occurrence!
So to the boys I miss so desperately. I love you, I still do, and I always will.
I will imagine the do I or don’t I shave the four hairs off my chin dilemma
I will imagine the school boy crush that you’d both have on the girl next door.
I will imagine the acne breakouts and the overkill of a deadly deodorant and aftershave concoction.
I will imagine the football obsession and the competitiveness between each of you.
I will imagine one being academic the other cheating on his homework.
I will imagine that one of you is constantly late and the other one is frustrated by the lateness, but still never leaving his twin brother behind… ever.
I will imagine one loving cars and being a petrol head and one being the ocean loving surf dude, but somehow you both manage to combine the two perfectly, spending quality twin time.
I will imagine the cheek, I will imagine the answering back and the hormonal angry outbursts of testosterone as puberty hits.
I will imagine life with you both in it ….for a short while.
I will imagine you as inseparable in life, as you were inseparable in passing.
One thing I know for sure, is that you both changed my life forever and you taught me that everything in life is temporary!