14 years is a long time…
14 years is long time without you…
14 years is not a long time in my heart. My heart still feels all the feels and every raw painful emotion when your birthdays fall. My heart still aches when I hear your names called by a stranger on the street, or one of your songs on the radio.
But it’s been 14 years, that’s what I tell myself.
But it’s been 14 years, That’s what other people will think!
After 14 years, I should be over it. That’s what some people will say.
The cold hard truth is I’ll never be over you. I allow myself a few days every year to remember the grief that I was dealt 14 years ago. I allow myself those days so I can live the rest of my life the best way I can without you both in it.
I want to tell you that I’ve spent OH so many years trying to fill the gaps in my life that were left when I lost you both. Fill the emptiness I felt, and could see all around me. I often believed it would be filled by having more children, and until about a year ago I still believed this to be true.
The reality of this is whilst my mind and body is fulfilled and busy, distracted and refocused on life. My heart still has an emptiness, and I’ve come to realise that this will never be filled. It’s another burden that’s bared when your struck with the unthinkable loss of your child or in my case, children!
This emptiness lives within me, in replace of you.
The realisation that I was fooling myself into believing that it would be, or could be as simple as continuing to have children was both a feeling of overwhelming sadness and resolve combined with, what I suppose is peace!
Its so hard to explain in my letters to heaven what 14 years of ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s and 14 years of broken dreams and aspirations can do to a broken hearted mother. I don’t dwell in a pit of sadness anymore but I think of you often. Everyday in fact. Sometimes for just a nanosecond of thought but nevertheless your still very present.
14 years on and I’m very accepting of what’s happened. But some years it stings more than others. This year is one of those stingers. So much change and growth within the walls of our home and within your siblings.
Today, Year 9, you’d of walked to school with big bold tacky flashing birthday badges (forced onto your blazer by me) both of you elated with your new phones, taking selfies with your sister who confidently strolls into year 8 without a second thought and with your younger brother, baby faced, young in mind, immature for his 11 years in an endearing way, and looking so …. fragile and nervous as he embarks on year 7! Boy oh boy could that younger brother of yours do with a big brother or ‘two‘ right now.
I imagine all the laughter, all the banter, the teasing, the absolute hellish chaos, the endless filtered birthday and ‘back to school’ selfies taken on the new unbroken phones with their perfect shiny screens. Photos filled with the sort of love and security that only ‘family’ can offer.
The photos I’ve taken these last few days are beautiful, and they fill me with such pride but they will always have people missing from them and those people are you.
14 years have passed.
14 years I have missed you.
Happy Birthday my angels. I’ll miss you forever.
Love always – The Mothership
I’m guessing your too old at 14 to call me mummy!
And I’d imagine you’d have some nickname for me…. so this feels rather apt as I try, with my all, to supply love, guidance and nourishment for a number of small vessels called LillyElla Toby Isla and Esmè!