Just That Column of Crap – by That Girl Kelly : This week the UK began to open back up and people are actually living again. It’s like the awakening of the dead out there, people are crawling out of their caves everywhere, real fucking human people! Yes they still exist. I am in equal measures of excitement and panic! Believe me when I say that I, like you, are so over being locked down and bored in the house spending time only with people that have either been in or came out of my vagina. I fear now that I may be lacking in the basic levels of communication. Anyone else feel they need to go to a ‘socalising class’ – a bit like the ones you take your puppy to when it’s all new and bites and dry humps everything. I just need to hone in on those key life skills again to make sure I can communicate effectively within my social group – and don’t try and bite and dry hump them!
So what’s happening out the on the streets. Non-essential retail can open – people can now buy more shit they don’t need, like I did the other day. A vanity table, some more fucking solar lights, a candle, a cork screw and various coloured tin animals on sticks.
Personal care services have opened their doors – Every Yeti and Hairy Mary within a five-mile radius has clawed and fought their way to the top of hairdressers, beauty therapists and mobile dog groomers lists. They will be preened and plumed ready for the peacocking to commence in local beer gardens near you. Forget summer body ready – the vainglorious summer muff parade is ready!
Libraries, Community centres and outdoor hospitality venues with outdoor table service can serve you all. Zoos, if you’ve missed the chimps please don’t worry, they are ready and waiting to shit in their hands and throw it you whenever you decide to visit. Theme parks and drive in performances, fates, fayres and fairgrounds. Get ready to grab a granny and sample a hot dog from ‘Bratwurst Brian’ while playing tombola at the fete to win your neighbours left over ‘panic buy’ of pasta and toilet roll from April 2020.
Instababes are gonna be influencing their abs and ass in gym mirrors throughout the country. Hashtags like #squatproof #fitnessgirls is gonna ‘blow up’ the explore page this week. All hail the hair down, full make up, squat proof Lululemon and Gymshark wearing goddesses. But credit where credit is due and let’s be honest for a sec, anyone who can carry off coloured gym leggings either hasn’t had children or their arse and crutch area doesn’t produce fluid like sweat or piss when under exertion, and for that reason alone – she is a goddess! You’ll find me in the corner in my ALL-black leggings, and my ALL black tee, zero make up and making sex noises throwing about a pair of dumbells trying to look like I know what I am doing.
And let’s not forget the weddings …. If there are any relationships that have actually survived the pandemic that is Covid-19. You can get married now… and invite fifteen people!
Welcome back to the world everyone – I cannot wait to bite and dry hump you all. Honest!
Just That Girl Kelly 