‘How to keep your relationship fresh- AFTER KIDS!
Remember that hot sweaty sexual spontaneity, those cheeky gins on the way home from work that resulted in you pulling each other’s clothes off and christening every room in the house whilst experimenting with chocolate.
Remember always having the energy and being able to perform sexual gymnastics – OK! Me neither on this one!
But THEN…. babies happen. These beautiful screaming, puking, shitting little bundles of love, that dictate your ‘day to day’ routine right down to writing a 15-minute window of ‘sexy time’ on the calendar to squeeze in, in-between babies final feed and the news at 10pm. You have never felt tiredness like it, your totally exhausted and your make up hasn’t seen your face in over four months! You’re still getting used to your new body, the one that uncontrollably wets itself and wobbles when walking up the stairs, and well… the hair growth is honestly quite remarkable!!
Being sexually adventurous is far from your main priority because ever since ‘the baby’ came screaming out of your vagina, it’s kind of lost its sexual prowess! It’s more ‘toothless gibbon’ then ‘girl on fire’! Your boobs are now a source of life and not foreplay, and your belly resembles play dough! Oh yes!… and you almost forgot that whilst keeping this new little human alive your still expected to perform like the highly sexed ‘try-sexual’ Samantha Jones from Sex in The City.
Reality is, the only rabbit getting any action in the house is Bing Bunny and the dulcet tones of Lionel Richie echoing ‘Hello’ have since been replaced with Mr.Tumble singing and signing in Makaton ‘Hello hello, how are youuuuu?’. Meanwhile the other half is looking lovingly and longingly at your milk filled breasts and assuring you that you will still ‘feel’ the same… and promises that it’s not going to be like throwing a sausage up Oxford Street!
So how do you keep your libido doing the ‘La Vida Loca?’
Wine – plenty of wine! … OK – now here is the real answer!
The most important thing to remember, is that ‘THING’ that sparked your love for each other in the first place, whether that was the twatish chat up lines, the same interests, the same love of music, dry humour and wit, or the fact he can make a banging chilli con carne! Always keep that in your mind’s eye… because when you get to stalemate and your feeling like the ‘give and take’, is more ‘all give, and no take’ you will need to remember that ‘THING!’
Date nights, now whether your fortunate enough to have a childminder shouldn’t determine your date night, plan a nice meal for when the kids are in bed, he peels spuds while you fry steak, drink wine, light candles, eat food and talk… this is quality time.
Share a shower, however the reality and expectation of this can often be a little different from the passionate movie scenes but stick with it, even if it’s just for the humour aspect! Let’s face it, giving a blowjob in the shower is like trying to waterboard yourself!
When your kids come along, naturally, they are the main priority and that is exactly how it should be, but don’t let this become the ‘excuse’ to forget to be ‘tactile’ with each other. Don’t forget to hold hands when walking around the street! Don’t forget to kiss each other goodbye, and greet each other with a hug….and don’t forget to tell the other person you love them. Because this is the important stuff, this is the stuff that makes you more than just roomies, if you don’t even hold hands, have a cuddle or a kiss, you’re so very near to the ‘friend zone’! You don’t want to be in that!
So if he chucks an X-Box controller at you as opposed to the baby oil….. you’ve been ‘friended’!! He’ll be hi-fiving you and calling you mate whilst sharing a Kentucky bucket before long!!!
Get tactile people, take time to remember all the good shit before the mini humans came along…. Sex shouldn’t be assumed and romance shouldn’t be forced and shouldn’t be scheduled, romance is what’s born out of mutual respect, quality time and common interests.
….. and before long you’ll spelling out desired moves from the ‘Karma Sutra’ with the kids Alphablock toys like its new form of foreplay and snatching a few stolen minutes humping along to the intro of Chuggington.
And for those men reading this today, ‘Tactile’ means get familiar via the sense of touch, this doesn’t mean ramming your partner up the arse so she head-butts the worktop and dry humping her whilst she’s trying to load the dishwasher!!
Share with the nation far a wide to help prevent women all over the world getting concussion and being dry humped within an inch of their lives!